Friday Funny

Frank walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and
sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectlty prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"


The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's
breasts.


Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly,
"So............................................................................... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

Joke Of The Day

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Joke of the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began
to fly away!"

"And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it
flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt,
didn't you?"

Joke of the day!

Grandpa & Grandma

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found
a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one
of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we
leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!

AGING TEST

This was developed as an aging test by an
R&D department at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake. The
average person over 40 years of age can't
do it.

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each
line from the top down and I bet you can't resist
passing it on.

JOKE OF THE DAY

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.


The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

Resume NO NOs

My job is to help people find a job. This is what they give me to work with.

Here are some of the worst--and funny!--real-life examples of resume typos published

"I am very detail-oreinted."

"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"Special skills: Thyping."

"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

"I have used lots of software appilcations."

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."

"I am sicking and entry-level position."

"I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
Warning! This is what happens when you give too much information:
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."

First Times A Charm!

Possibly. This is in fact the first of my possibly only blogs. But, what can I say. I just found the instructions on how to post something to this sight. I wish that I would have know last night, or should I say, first thing this morning. 4am. What would you call it? Last night? This morning? You decide for yourself, I don't have time for this shit right now. It is time to eat dinner. I think that I will in fact eat dinner, for it will be the first thing today besides coffee. Can't live without coffee...