DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

;3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you,they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
--Paul Rodriguez (so true!!)

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot .. And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

Eve's Little Talk With The Lord

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all
of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm
just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"


"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain;
all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will
like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will
satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish
things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you,
so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's
the catch Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord? "

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ... so you'll
have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our
little secret ... you know, woman to woman."

Joke of the day.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
marriage, he told her he would pay her a large sum of money if she would

go to Italy to secretly have the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked him how he
would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to

simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would
then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey", she said, "you received a very strange post card today".
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later" he said. The wife
obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Two with
meatballs; one without.

By Prescription Only

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The
lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's
eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give you cyanide to
kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, and they'll
throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her
purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, Hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!!!!!

New UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features;

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Why are men happier people!!!!!!

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care
of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can
never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and
think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add
character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional
well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over
in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about...tanks!

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own
jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone
forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is
$8.95 for a three-pack.. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You
almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles
in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts
for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You
can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One
wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails
with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Cajun Math Test

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"

Wednesday's Funny "Cowgirl in Bar"

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she
comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Kentucky. When we all left our home in
Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters
and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars
take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she
explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to
quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

Something For Friday

Andy Rooney says:


As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are
just a few reasons why:


A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,
"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.


If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's
usually something more interesting.


A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,
what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40
give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.


Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with
you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of
course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they
think they can get away with it.


Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what
it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self-assurance
to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will
often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with
other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her
friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.


Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 40. They always know.


A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not
true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over
40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.


Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to
wonder where you stand with her.


Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,
it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman
of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of
himself with some 22-year-old waitress.


Ladies, I apologize for all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you
can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Now 80% of women
are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying
an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

How many people does it take to fax a document?

One of our employees was asked to fax 4 pieces of paper to a number. In order to fax out a document, you need to push the # 9 first then the phone number. This employee tried and tried and said the number was no good. When asked, "Did you dial 9 first?,Response, "oh, was I supposed to do that?" This employee asked 3 different people, three different times how to fax a document, same response was given. Dial 9 then the number. Needless to say, the fax never went out. What a way to start and end the day.